flakes of nuisance }{

best advice I was ever giving, reading or receiving

• nothing good ever happened after 10pm
• alcohol makes everyone ugly
• nothing that is advertised is ‘needed’
• all occasions when women wear hats are utterly pointless
• it’s easier to keep-up than catch-up
• always eat a ‘starter’ course
• trouble always starts as fun
• hard work will always beat talent
• weather always looks worse than it actually is when it is viewed from behind a pane of glass
• The pleats on a cummerbund face ‘up’.
• squeezing spots does make them worse
• respice prospice
• love conquers all
• bread in supermarkets is rubbish
• wasps never sting unless attacked
• every intelligent person over 40 wishes their brain worked better and, if they did, that they had never taken drugs
• they never give away toys with healthy food
• phones and cars are holes into which we throw money
• always have spare, dry gloves and socks
• learn to tie knots, the fourth most important skill in life
• gossip is never, never, never, never true
• never put anything on a hook in changing-rooms or it is lost
• if, at a moment when any reasonable person would expect you to lose your cool completely, you instead don’t, and stay calm and collected, nobody present will ever forget this about you
• accent and dialect are wonderful, mispronounciation is stupidity
• friends won’t volunteer criticism: you have to ask
• if a thing isn’t fun you aren’t doing it correctly or for the right reasons
• take your hands out of your pockets
• exercise is a constant doctor
• it doesn’t matter how deep the water is - you only swim in the top 45cm
• normal doesn’t exist
• if something’s not right it’s wrong
• a helmet won’t save your life, your neck turning your head and looking around yourself will
• if you want things you never had you have to do things you have never done
• always put everything into a washing-machine inside-out
• slow-down and hurry-up
• when cocking-up a task, “stop; abort; start again” is usually better than trying to rectify
• the two functions of a label are to add cost, and to re-assure the ignorant
• do the dishes and sort out quarrels before going to bed
• he’s not a big man he’s just tall
• never lend ‘kit’
• water is best
• stand up straight
• afterwards nobody remembers how long you took over something only how well you did it
• better down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here
• happiness is within
• you can’t fight water, work with it
• there are no nice boys
• in the universe the only constant is change
• if you are bright people will offer you dope, they do this to slow you down to their level to make themselves comfortable in your company
• tuck your shirt in, fat people don’t want you to
• don’t read newspapers
• apostrophes matter, bad punctuation can kill
• things are always better in the morning (not sure which morning)
• teams matter
• no matter how clean you are, shower at the pool-edge - to show you can and that you care
• when only spoken ‘sorry’ is just the sound of air passing through vocal cords
• never forget
• never put black jeans in a dryer, in fact: never put anything in a dryer
• people can only hurt and disrespect you with your permission and cooperation
• look after your feet
• if a relationship has to be a secret you shouldn’t be in it
• pack your own bags, make your own sandwiches
• it’s okay to cry and crying together gets it over with more quickly
• the road is the same for all of us
• in cycling there is always blood
• listen
• never turn your back on a dog or a ladder
• always look busy and put on a good show
• always wash your bottom with water, paper is not enough
• look around as you climb and only glance at the summit
• breakfast cereal is agricultural waste
• religion is not faith
• water always finds a way
• ants cannot be beaten
• if you want to be interesting be interested
• only be scared of people and animals that are scared of you
• doing the right thing is not ‘nerdy’
• maintain a physical perimeter of 85cm
• polish your shoes
• it is harder to climb down that to ascend
• we are the luckiest and most fortunate generation that has ever lived
• consonants matter; sound is information
• four words that every teenager should dread: ‘try some of this’
• on a computer all the information you need for the next action is on the screen in front of you, LOOK
• home is not where the heart is, it’s in your chest
• this is not a dress-rehearsal; everything is happening right here and now, and for the last time
• if you can’t stay dry make sure you can keep warm
• with 6 hours to chop down a tree spend the first 5 hours sharpening the axe
• your job won’t take care of you, your friends and your parents will, stay in touch
• men always lie
• don’t fill up on bread.
• don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be
• if you aren’t hungry enough to eat an apple, you aren’t hungry
• never get your haircut on the day of the big dance
• be mindful of what comes between you and the earth. Buy good tyres, good sheets, and good shoes
• when you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends
• after writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it
• if you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point
• never push someone off the side of the tank
• never under any circumstances ask a woman if she is pregnant
• when building a fire, choose deadwood from a tree, not off the ground
• be subtle. She sees you
• when you have money buy the best shoes you can and spend more than you can afford
• the best is yet to come
• no matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
• laugh when you can, apologise when you should, and let go of what you can’t change
• recycling is stupid, use less
• always buy a shirt slightly too big on the collar, ties don’t make shirts uncomfortable small collars do
• motor cars will take you great distances while impoverishing and shortening your life
• common sense is not common
• life does not happen indoors
• love
• there are countless opportunities to make a lasting impression
• take responsibility for what you do - or go play a team-sport
• read the manual
• you only get one set of teeth
• hearts do break
• don’t underestimate your fertility
• make time for your mum on your birthday. It’s her special day too
• don’t sabotage the family portrait. Smile please
• Never post a picture online you wouldn’t feel comfortable showing your mother, your boss, and the dean of admissions
• there is exactly one place where it is acceptable to wear gym clothes
• don’t touch the sides of the tent
• texting to say you might be late is planning to be late - punctuality matters
• there is never enough time or money to do something right, but there is always enough time and money and people to do it twice
• nothing is more valuable than friendship; in real life you can’t just ‘add a friend’
• words matter, meaning is everything
• fat is lazy
• empathise
• some people give, some people take, nobody keeps
• fashion is temporary
• quality lasts
• everything feels pain
• be average if you want to be; people you don’t care about will be happier
• everything always changes
• meat is murder
• smile
• walk into the middle of rooms, walls are for wallpaper
• if someone says they feel a thing to be true about themselves don’t just refute it, tell them life must be tough thinking that way while others have a very different point of view
• rust never sleeps
• nobody really likes oysters
• everyone makes mistakes
• a dirty mechanic is a mechanic who leans on their work
• blood is thicker than water
• cruelty boomerangs
• nothing goes by you that’s for you
• care
• empty vessels make the most noise
• no point having whitened teeth if your gums are sick
• beautiful, shiny, happy people in advertisements are actors, and they can’t afford the product
• insurance never replaces
• to tumble-turn you just have to be cleverer than the wall
• beautiful, perfect fruit tastes of nothing
• anyone who cannot keep their fingernails clean cannot keep anything clean
• without health we are nothing, without education we can be nothing
• when friends tell you of problems with their relatives just listen and nod - DO NOT SHARE
• facts are links, knowledge is the chain . Knowledge and experience is wisdom.
• Well made tools pay you back. They are the cutting edge of the mind
• no man is useless as long as he has got a friend
• get involved
• If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito
• obsession is a young man’s game
• You can’t change anyone, you can only change yourself
• the sweet fruit is at the end of the branch
• the Internet is written in indelible ink
• no matter how long you know a Scottish person, or how much you do for them, one day they will call you an English bastard.
• common sense is not very common
• the only way to be sure you live among honest people is to lock your stuff away
• What you do in the dark will be brought into the light
• Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants
• a procrastinator’s work is never done
• if your knuckles are white you are doing it wrongly or with the wrong tool
• In 99% of instances when a person instantly replies “yes” to “do you know how to …?” - they don’t. Correct answer is, “show me your way”
• If a friend says, “I hate Shakespeare” demote them immediately. Life is too short
• speak the truth even if your voice shakes
• there is no such thing as an accident
• make food your enemy and it will control you
• age appropriate
• nothing tastes as good as skinny feels
• never clean the inside of your Mocha pot
• haters just have hate
• It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it
• the worst mistake is not to make any
• give people an inch and they’ll take a yard
• don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up
• When you want to win a game, you have to teach. When you lose a game, you have to learn
• We can draw lessons from the past, but we cannot live in it
• 99 is not 100
• an action pressaged with “hey watch this” seldom ends well
• Learn to listen. Your ears will never get you into trouble
• Men shop alone
• “It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”
• “Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognise them.”
• “It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”
• Psalms 35 - 37 KJV
• have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful
• buy your round
• Never insult anyone by accident
• remain silent
• Yesterday you said, “tomorrow”.
• Courage is no match for an unfriendly shoe
• Don’t bite your nails, don’t touch your face.
• Don’t eat in the street
• happy endings are just stories that haven’t yet finished
• ‘luck’ is just preparedness waiting to happen
• Wales is just like a pebble - even more beautiful when it is wet
• “When you learn, teach. When you get, give.” Maya Angelou.
• Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud. ~Hermann Hesse
• Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. ~Robert Frost
• Success is a staircase not a doorway
• you cannot over-estimate the power of self-deception
• Always pick up lost gloves, when your left hand is cold it cares not what your right hand wears.
• Don’t let your jeans be tighter than your girlfriend’s
• Learn the difference between cheap and inexpensive.
• Of all the things you wear your expression is the most important.
• Don’t drink on an empty life.
• Don’t go to the market hungry
• life is like a swimming pool - all the noise is at the shallow end
• don’t let your regrets replace your dreams

As with everything in my life I haven’t an original thought and a long while after starting this list I discovered the website and book 1001 rules for my unborn son it really does contain some marvellous advice - much of which I wish I had known and adhered to man and boy.